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Momma said "put your clothes on, girl!" [27 Jun 2006|05:21pm]
[ mood | sad ]

Not much afoot. Mother doesn't want me doing any more modelling because she thinks people are going to trade the photos of me that are up on-line right now as porno trading cards or something.

*sigh*

Wave bye to the novelty of experience, wave away the extra cash, to the artistic fullfillment, kiss all those potential promises of a professional career away.
Wasn't a dream of mine but seemed like a cool path to wander down for a while.

Oh, well.

3 comments|post comment

*blink blink* [15 Jun 2006|01:04pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Im out of it. Im a workaholic and Im going through withdrawel. I have things to do but i can only organize myself when I have twenty things to do. My free time is spent equally unproductive as far as my personal interests go because im fretting about what I "should be doing".

Stupid brain.

Im also having alot of siezures and am feeling burnt out because of it. I cant concentrate and I feel burnt out. I told my friend Babr that I feel stupider every time and she said I should think like that. I missed work last week because of it. I had some last night. Today Im incredibly spacy. i feel as if im moving by pure inertia and no will of my own. I need to get something done. I have to try...but i feel so blankkkk........

People should call me. I miss everyone.

2 comments|post comment

[13 Jun 2006|03:00pm]
[ mood | energetic ]

For the photo that I think will be going into the book check out his blog...

http://curvesproject.blogspot.com/

Its the first one.

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Both White Hare and Alice- but nude [12 Jun 2006|07:57pm]
[ mood | satisfied ]

Good lord! Im BACK! I couldn't figure out my password and i was lazy.
I shouldnt backtrack i suppose.

Lets start with

Today.

Did nude modelling. Semi-empty warehouse near a industrial portion of the city. The photographer was Rich Mohr ( http://www.rpatrickmohrphotography.net )and it was the first time i did nude when it wasn't for my friend Nilofer. I went in not knowing what to expect but the prospect of such a diffrent location seemed exciting.

I wore pearls and became rather fond of a white rabbit furcoat. I have already recieved like three photos from the shoot and I rather like them. Its interesting to see how diffrent photographers can make you look so diffrent yourself. I guess he was very happy with the shoot. I tend to be somewhat of a wild child during them, few lapses into blank stares...but generally fun. I was slow getting into it but it progressed somewhat better once i forgot that i dont need to pose and just moved around.

They have suggested I get a site going and promote myself as a model. Its not so much that i have a fantastic body, i just am willing to be goofy whilst naked. Sometimes even, I'm Donald.

I wont post any now but dont worry! Its going to be published in a (coffeetable type art?) book. :)

Afterwards I got dressed and went to school to do some wall climbing in the gym. I got up to the second story today on the first try. Afterwards I did AIkido. I havent lost any wieght but Im stronger than i was and thats fine with me. Its all about going with the flow.

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Another Cult for the Road [06 Mar 2006|11:18am]
[ mood | optimistic ]

I stayed at my friend's Mikes from my computer graphics class for the UCH meeting. UCH, or Urban Habitat Chicago, a non for profit org. Ill link it so I dont have to explain.
www.urbanhabitatchicago.org
Im not going to class so I can put together my resume for them because its technically an official internship. I need one anyways, a resume i mean. But beyond job possibilities and experience its plain fun. Yes, yes, i joined their cult...i mean non-profit org. *bow bow*

I am the new lead graphics designer for them-but wait, theres more! I get to be official PR person. My Comm. Public Relations class suddenly seems useful.

I feel i need experience working for an actual organization with longterm goals and such. Joining the paper was he best thing i did to kickstart me in this direction and now this feels like its the next. It would count as an internship apparently on any future resume's...that and i get free dinner ever Sunday. I had to pitch it to them, why i should be hired. I guess the part that won them over was when i said "I love what I do" and meant it.

I am optimistic. And I am busy. Mike said though that if you want something done then give it the busiest person and they'll get it done...even if in the wrong order. I was going to laugh at it, i think im rather lazy and that i can be doing more... stepping back i realize i do alot and somehow manage to get it all done fairly well, and do even better with motivation.
I never thought that of myself. It might not be exactly me but its a nice thought.

Im diving in to another current thats passing my way, i dont know how far it will take me but i never know unless i jump on. No time to regret what will come along if i wait...

like the penquin in fight club said-

slide....

11 comments|post comment

[06 Mar 2006|11:06am]
[ mood | optimistic ]

I stayed at my friend's Mikes from my computer graphics class for the UCH meeting. UCH, or Urban Habitat Chicago, a non for profit org. Ill link it so I dont have to explain.
www.urbanhabitatchicago.org
Im not going to class so I can put together my resume for them because its technically an official internship. I need one anyways, a resume i mean. But beyond job possibilities and experience its plain fun.
Yes, yes, i joined their cult...i mean non-profit org. *bow bow*

I am the new lead graphics designer for them-but wait, theres more! I get to be official PR person. My Comm. Public Relations class suddenly seems useful.

I feel i need experience working for an actual organization with longterm goals and such. Joining the paper was he best thing i did to kickstart me in this direction and now this feels like its the next. It would count as an internship apparently on any future resume's...that and i get free dinner ever Sunday. I had to pitch it to them, why i should be hired. I guess the part that won them over was when i said "I love what I do" and meant it.

I am optimistic. And I am busy. Mike said though that if you want something done then give it the busiest person and they'll get it done...even if in the wrong order. I was going to laugh at it, i think im rather lazy and that i can be doing more... stepping back i realize i do alot and somehow manage to get it all done fairly well, and do even better with motivation.
I never thought that of myself. It might not be ecaxtly me but its a nice thought.

Im diving in to another current thats passing my way, i dont know how far it will take me but i never know unless i jump on. No time to regret what will come along if i wait...

like the penquin in fight club said-

slide....

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Coco der Mer [03 Feb 2006|09:42pm]
[ mood | naughty ]

Im wearing some black glove things i bought at Taboo Tabou. Working on the paper i took a break and went with friends to get food near Belmont and Clark. Of course we hit the sex toy stores. We collectivly bought porn. Yay! Group porn fund! Other than that theres nothing really fascinating. I will write tommorow. *tired*
Yawn, im going to sleep soon.

Not to watch lesbian porn.

I swear.

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There is a spoon. [30 Jan 2006|12:50pm]
[ mood | (how apt...) ]

Good things have happened, i didnt write cuz i lost my password. i will write about them but im in a wierd mood.
I think its siezures because i feel sooo out of it and everyone says my pupils are behaving strangely. Nothing sits right in space. Everything is moving and i feel dizzy. I feel very hyper and then very tired. Last night i laughed at Duncans beard, at the toilet, and the fan especially. Duncans beard made me think of a turtle spread eagle on its back with strawberry blonde pubic hair. The cieling fan was a flower. The toilet has the entire system of gravitational orbits within it. My hallway looked rather ominous to me too and terrified me. I left painting cass early because of the dizziness and im using this mommentary lucidity to write. Im having truble spelling and speaking...this is me with no looking back at what i m writing very carefully. That wasnt bad. Oh, i left l out of class. Ill leave it.

Duncan said that maybe im dreaming and havent woken. Maybe he is right. I feel like this world is alien. Walking to school everything was moving in a diffrent way. Like paintings, like animations, ever see the Coldplay video to Trouble? Everything felt like that.

Last night Duncan sneezed like what i though purple would sound like.

I told him and he asked why i wasnt sharing. I feel crazy, and i know crazy is just a label. But this isnt right. I hope i feel better later but for now im on a natural high.

Last nght brought in the year of the dog. I gambled in the vietnamese part of town with Joe. It was fun and ill write about that. I also attended a meeting for a group called Urban habitat chicago who does incredible things with designing eco-friendly buildings. Ill write about that too.

Well, my typewriter is looking at me funny. I should go.
Its a strange day. Someone wake me up. Someone wake me up. I want to see the damn spoon!

2 comments|post comment

Shaky begginings [19 Jan 2006|12:30pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Hell-o ladies!!!

Wow, i havent written. Things have happened. Lets start from the first of the year.

Went to Pashas downtown after for the countdown. Had a chocolate martini (ewww...nailpolish remover.) Dancing the year in the dress i had wore the funeral earlier in the day, there was some sort of metaphor there which rung deeper in me than i could verbalize.

Classes have begun again and im a bit swamped with paying the art supplies. I've been bored at home so Monday I started a 6 foot painting and learnt the Hindi alphabet! Wow, i should be bored like that more often. I want to learn Hindi, and i started reading a book in Spanish to clean it up and doing some German too. Im really motivated lately.

Ive also been very spacy. The world feels new but im frequently tired. I keep looking at everything in wonder, its starting to feel obtrusive, as if everything is unravelling.
I have to take another EEG in February under sleep deprivation so they can induce a siezure. The last tests came out negative but the doctor said theres something there. Looks like we will never know, but they want to try diagnosing its origin. The probability that i inherited it from my dad...incredibly rare, but possible. For now, he said i simply have to live to learrn with my siezures. They arent manifested physically anymore, i just have hallucinations, get lost.

They say, historically, this is enlightenment. I think thats why the world is suddenly so diffrent, im realizing why i, and others, see what they see but it doesnt make those things any more rational.

This is me. I guess ill have to make something of it.

2 comments|post comment

Message in a Bottle [12 Dec 2005|11:08am]
[ mood | cynical ]

Im in a whirlwind of classes. Arg. Right now everyone says I look high. Sleep deprivation.
It might be why i feel an intense wave of meloncholy...drifting from me...dislodging the bottles with messages inside them from the muddy ocean floor...

and sending them quietly to shore.

2 comments|post comment

Dolores On The Dotted Line [30 Nov 2005|10:19am]
[ mood | amused ]

I took EthicalGops book quiz. She got St. Augustine? Well...I got this. Im not sure how...but it is one of my favorite books.




You're Lolita!

by Vladimir Nabokov

Considered by most to be depraved and immoral, you are obsessed with
sex. What really tantalizes you is that which deviates from societal standards in every
way, though you admit that this probably isn't the best and you're not sure what causes
this desire. Nonetheless, you've done some pretty nefarious things in your life, and
probably gotten caught for them. The names have been changed, but the problems are real.
Please stay away from children.



Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

3 comments|post comment

Thick black lines, so thick, the art critics will choke. [30 Nov 2005|10:04am]
[ mood | cynical ]

I am incredibly pissed. ARgggg...

Taking art history. Realizing that the things all these artists were revered for are some of the very things that teachers told me i couldn't do over the years. Yelled at for the lines i use, well look at the Impressionists and the influence on Japanese woodcuts on them! LINES! Lots of them, lots of stylization. But if you do it its juvenile. On the other hand, unlike them I use thin washes of color and build-up (can we say Renaissance?) and Im freakin told that "actual painters" smoosh around giant globs of color on the canvas. Throw it, drip it, be spontanous! Im nietheir abstract enough or classic enough for anyone. AHHHHGGGGG!!!! Years of listening, all for waste! I would have been better off hiding in a corner and kept doing what i was doing. God knows some of the things they show in art history by huge artists are goddamn ugly, god knows it looks like it could have been made by a semi-talented 15 year old...so damnit! I support that semi-talented 15 year old. Do what you damn, you'll get to fame before I ever will because no training is better than half-assed training.

By the way, I was asked to do nude modelling for the The School of Representational Art (SORA). Good money-range of hours. Geez, i make my mony slinging drinks and getting naked the next day. What a life im starting to lead. Im so on my way to becoming a starving artist/bohemian/wild child barfly. Geez, thank god I wont have kids. Id feel bad for them having to deal with me. :)

Today...today I start my artistic career over! Im going to make it! Im going to be a real artist! Im going to piant my entire life what i want, die pennyless, and let my adopted kids get rich from selling my work post-mortem! YAYAYAY! The future is ever so bright!

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An Erotic Pool Party and the 400 Nazi Kitties [16 Nov 2005|11:16am]
[ mood | awake ]

I almost always know I'm dreaming when i am. Strangely, I have control over myself and my actions but never of those around me.
To cut the dream short I realized I was so I did what anyone would do: found myself some hot guys and a cute girl and tried throwing an erotic pool party. However, no one really complied. One was swimming, and the girl was making these grotesque paintings by the pool side in shades of brown and rust red of giant vaginas. Wehn they were finished she could spread the paint open as if it was flesh and I was disgusted.
Pretty soon though I saw bombs dropping, frieght cars pilling up around, toxic drums spilling in the ocean, the sky growing thick with smoke as in some sor tof clataclysmic movie montage. I remember thinking "To hell with the stock footage, where did my erotic pool party go?!" And I find myself on this tiny patch of land hanging my strings in the air, dressed as a canary, surrounded on all sides by stacked train cars as far down as the eye can see. "No, this is the only land left in the entire world! I can't let go of it!" And suddenly I see a general yelling up to me from below. In a thick accent he says "The U-Boat has landed, you better give up. I hav 400 Nazi kitties that are *quite* hun-gry." I look around in terror, nowhere to jump to...and i swing and i swing...

And Azu wakes me up.

Theres more to the dream but it would be too much.
My friend Mario says he thinks its about big corporations and my concern about their impact. How did that come out of my pool party? Well, he said, its symbolic of your small business. Small business, in amatuer porn? I see...yeah its all making sense now.

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Dead-on. [11 Nov 2005|10:43am]
I dont know why it refers only to women...but I LOVE artists!

 
The Window Shopper
Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDf)

    Loving, hopeful, open. Likely to carry on an romance from afar. You are The Window Shopper.

    You take love as opportunities come, which can lead to a high-anxiety, but high-flying romantic life. You're a genuinely sweet person, not saccharine at all, so it's likely that the relationships you have had and will have will be happy ones. You've had a fair amount of love experience for your age, and there'll be much more to come.

Your exact opposite:
The Stiletto

Deliberate Brutal Sex Master
    Part of why we know this is that, of all female types, you are the most prone to sudden, ferocious crushes. Your results indicate that you're especially capable of obsessing over a girl you just met. Obviously, passion like this makes for an intense existence. It can also make for soul-destroying letdowns.

    Your ideal match is someone who'll love you back with equal fire, and someone you've grown to love slowly. A self-involved or pessimistic woman is especially bad. Though you're drawn to them, avoid artists at all costs.


BEWARE: Genghis Khunt

CONSIDER: The Maid of Honor, The Peach, The Window Shopper


Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.
My profile name: vacaflaca
2 comments|post comment

[07 Nov 2005|10:05am]
[ mood | optimistic ]

So I went to the Beverly Arts Center to see my friend NIlo's picture up in the gallery. Strange, strange to see a picture of me hanging there. This week i help her put up her final series in the Fine Arts building. Out of 11, majority will be digitally f***-ed pics of me. Some i have two heads, 6 breasts, she had a field day distorting my poor little nude corpse of a body. I even appear on the glossy cardstock that advertises the show, but i have no ass-crack in it which is unsettling to me at least. Im very proud of her.
Hope next year i can enter something of my own.
I want to get permission from one lady from the photo club to post up the photos she took of me at the cementary. Their very ethreal, with blue or sephia tones. It looks 1920'd really, and i knew going barefoot was a great idea. Next week i work until 4 am and then have a photoshoot in Evanston at morning light. I might as well stay up! Its good though, pays the rent. They want photos as the beach, im going to freeze my ass off...but thats why im a liked model- no idea is too crazy and ill roll through cementary dirt, incur rashes from rolling in hay, incur strange looks from passing crowds, and now November water.
I went to a bar with Joe and had my first beer. Black and tan. We talked, talked about life. God i feel ready. Ready to throw myself into it like I will into the rolling shores of dawn, freezing and harsh but beautiful. Ready to be taken by the waves. I dont know where Im going but I have never felt so free, bittersweet.
This is going to be fun.
Joe told me to save prints of my photos. He said I wont realize their value until much later in life.

3 comments|post comment

Giant Crabs to haunt my dreams... [21 Oct 2005|10:27am]
[ mood | artistic ]

I was a little down for a day or two there but I feel better today. I think I've healed alot of personal wounds lately and i feel content with that. I start work on the 29th officially so there's to that. Today i got all crucial work done and I'm working on a sketch that might turn into a childrens book soon. Its turning out quite nicely considering it was nothing to start with. I want to now turn my attention to a full length anime or graphic novel with the cooperation of my friend Jenni. After listening to commentary on Plato's republic I figured I'd be interested in using that as a backdrop to it.

Speaking too of artistic endeavors...the modelling pics i talked about a bit ago, one was accepted to an art gallery competition as a finalist. I shall be at the opening going "Yes, black and white does do more justice to me..." I am prettier when grainy, otherwise my icon wouldnt be so overexposed. So much like me...
Regardless, the work is Nilofer's and I am immensilly proud of her and her idea. She did a great job and I loved being her model because she's so easy to work with. It will defiently be a fun experience!

Im in a good mood. Last night I tried meditating while Azu and Duncan watched Back to the Future II! I got pretty far, at least slept better. i dreamt i went to Florida and killed a GIANT crab to eat...but when i saw it laying there, on my hotel bed, it just looked horrifying. It wasn't tasty- all that crab meat- it was slightly human in texture. And so I did what any person does...I stepped back, found the proper light, and photographed it. I still have the photo in my mind.

I still have so much in mind.

3 comments|post comment

A Transient Paradise [18 Oct 2005|11:43pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Thank you all for the birthday wishes. It was a fairly uneventful birthday. I went to dinner with the family and my friend Nick. I asked for crab legs and well, i didnt get any. I did get a stuffed pig from my brother which i found adorable but very unsquishable. My dad gave me a card, some soap, and some blue leather shoes. So random, i love it. Next day I saw the Wallace and Gromit (sp?) movie. I love stop motion animation with visible fingerprints! God, i was amazed by the technical aspects of everything.

Sun. i got three bottles of wine. Tom got me one called "Vampire" from Transylvania. Very neat. Red wine of course.

Mon. i drank about a glass of white wine watching Boogie Nights.

And today, i felt tense so I went by the "Solitary Oak" tree on campus and slept underneath. Black leather coat spread out over the grass and squirrels running on branches overhead, it reminded me life was sweet. Yet from afar, i looked at the wooden fence surrounding the wild grass, gnarled and overlapping branches stretching to some invisible border from a mighty trunk and i though...i thought this was all that was left of Eden.

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21 and drunk on philosophy [17 Oct 2005|10:48am]
[ mood | enthralled ]

I've knowingly neglected LJ for a while now. ALOT has happened since that post. God, i might even be a compeletly diffrent person. I am now 21 and it's the first time in years that I felt diffrent on my birthday. Maybe its because I hit 12 o'clock dancing. Maybe its because I woke up looking out a window that lead up to a diffrent view. Maybe it was because I found plastic in my wallet when i went to the mall, got something for myself and paid for my brother and more to go to the movies. Maybe its because I got called into work that night. Maybe it's just because my life isn't a semblance of what it was last year at this time. Where will it take off from here? Im excited to find out and run with it.

Briefly, I take Aikido now so I've back on track physically. I started reading a new history book. I'm trying to call all those people you lose here and there. Im starting my comic and I'm learning animation quite quickly. I realized I might only have another two semester till i finish...and then...a masters? Most of all, Im living now everday in a way I always talked about but never did. Every momment is a sensation. I feel closer to that person I always wanted to be, and more importantly I'm feeling closer to being me. One second though, why am i updating LJ when I could be using this break to sleep under the trees in the nearby field?

4 comments|post comment

[11 Aug 2005|06:19pm]
[ mood | calm ]

*sigh* Classes are over. I feel myself coming back down from my breakdown.


I finished the guitar and took it over to Kieths. It wasn't as harrowing as I had anticipated. Dropping it off felt like a great relief and despite what I had been advised, to end it all by not finishing, I knew it wasn't what I had to do. Kieth seemed pleased. We hung around for just a little bit as he and his dad inspected the work and chitchatted. At one point his voice became very soft and he told me how much he appreciated that I had done that for him. 

And I cant really explain why I felt better in words, but I feel it. I felt good, happy, like now he would have something, a token of the love I had held for him, and I could then walk away knowing it was simply the natural closing of a chapter of our lives without feeling as I tore something down the middle. I tried not to linger, once I felt it was time I decided to leave on my own instead of stalling, as I would have at one point in time. We walked to the bus and I gave him a friendly hug as I rushed onto the bus. I don't have any urge to call him now, I feel like he has all he needs, as do I. He'll be ok. And most important to me, I think he knows that I left on my own accord and not because he did anything wrong. I want him to be happy and I think I wont be so frantic now that I found the core of what bothered me.    

On the positive side, I might be moving after all! Its been temporarily revived as a possibility and it might be a bigger place. I have so much to look forward to! Well, everything but these upcomign two weeks of manual labor with my mother.

Ive been really tense and I'm sorry to anyone I might have spilled my agression onto. Although, to be fair, this was a much shorter affair than my usual tantrums and depressions. I'm getter better!
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Bitch, Bitch, whine... [09 Aug 2005|05:41pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

Im in a volatile mood but very lethargic so it stays quite soft at the edges. Im waiting for Tom to go watch a movie or something, eat. Jhon came in and I snapped at him because I haven't been able to use the scanner. Didn't mean to be too abrasive but when I'm told its fixed and it isn't and then it's brushed aside, it annoys me. 

Its so much...finals, my apart. falling through, sleeping badly.
I'm also annoyed because I always want to go to the Sat. Poker Games at Joes house but if feels like I'm always being marginally invited. Everyone makes it there, I could take a bus, and I would only need a ride home. Everyone does it for John, and I've not gone once. I think its because no one wants me there because Kieth doesn't. He's not far from me, I said I'd give gas money for just a civil ride home. Friends, right. 
I dont care about that, I just want to spend time with people at the paper that I never get to talk to outside. I can't because he's been accepted as a staple of the game and they must think I'm too stupid to be in the same room. 
Today I find out everyone is going to his block party on Sat. I heard the hesitation in telling me and it was avoided until I directly asked. Everyone that never hangs out with me is going to go hang out with my ex. It just feels...lonely. They get to meet the new girl and of course no one will say anything about it and I wont ask. 
I stayed up last night to finish the guitar I started for him when we started going out. It feels silly giving it to him because he never really liked what I did with the front. He can do what he wants with it, it's not like I'll ever know what happens to it. Sell it to someone who might want it and he'll make some money. And it will be gone from my house. 
I regret leaving some things there when I picked up my stuff because I realize I cant attempt to even be friends. He's fine on the phone one day and the next, once I resolved whatever it was we needed to do,  I  get that "Oh, its you" tone again. If he was me, he said, he wouldnt call. I wont.
Called last night, said its almost done. Drop it off soon. End of story. No chitchat. No chitchat when I leave it. 

Maybe on the day of the blockparty it will still be sitting in the corner of the porch where I left it.  

Or maybe, Im just sore over the comment he made when I picked my stuff up. He looked at a card I made him, I had said I'd always be there..."Well, it didn't work out that way, huh?" he says. Guess not, and I feel just silly for even thinking about him. The way he said it really hurt. Its over, but its hard to acknowledge that a chunk of your life just broke off...and its dragging things along with it on its way down... 

I need a vacation...a whole day at the beach and some sleep will get me back to myself. 
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