Im in a volatile mood but very lethargic so it stays quite soft at the edges. Im waiting for Tom to go watch a movie or something, eat. Jhon came in and I snapped at him because I haven't been able to use the scanner. Didn't mean to be too abrasive but when I'm told its fixed and it isn't and then it's brushed aside, it annoys me.
Its so much...finals, my apart. falling through, sleeping badly.
I'm also annoyed because I always want to go to the Sat. Poker Games at Joes house but if feels like I'm always being marginally invited. Everyone makes it there, I could take a bus, and I would only need a ride home. Everyone does it for John, and I've not gone once. I think its because no one wants me there because Kieth doesn't. He's not far from me, I said I'd give gas money for just a civil ride home. Friends, right.
I dont care about that, I just want to spend time with people at the paper that I never get to talk to outside. I can't because he's been accepted as a staple of the game and they must think I'm too stupid to be in the same room.
Today I find out everyone is going to his block party on Sat. I heard the hesitation in telling me and it was avoided until I directly asked. Everyone that never hangs out with me is going to go hang out with my ex. It just feels...lonely. They get to meet the new girl and of course no one will say anything about it and I wont ask.
I stayed up last night to finish the guitar I started for him when we started going out. It feels silly giving it to him because he never really liked what I did with the front. He can do what he wants with it, it's not like I'll ever know what happens to it. Sell it to someone who might want it and he'll make some money. And it will be gone from my house.
I regret leaving some things there when I picked up my stuff because I realize I cant attempt to even be friends. He's fine on the phone one day and the next, once I resolved whatever it was we needed to do, I get that "Oh, its you" tone again. If he was me, he said, he wouldnt call. I wont.
Called last night, said its almost done. Drop it off soon. End of story. No chitchat. No chitchat when I leave it.
Maybe on the day of the blockparty it will still be sitting in the corner of the porch where I left it.
Or maybe, Im just sore over the comment he made when I picked my stuff up. He looked at a card I made him, I had said I'd always be there..."Well, it didn't work out that way, huh?" he says. Guess not, and I feel just silly for even thinking about him. The way he said it really hurt. Its over, but its hard to acknowledge that a chunk of your life just broke off...and its dragging things along with it on its way down...
I need a vacation...a whole day at the beach and some sleep will get me back to myself.